Mother of Parking Lot Terror Responds
Mothers and fathers everywhere dread the ultimate shopping trip melt down. The one where the toddler pulls a power play in the cereal aisle. It become mothers versus child, in the ultimate showdown where Mom or Dad either gives in and caves (and therefore reinforces this behavior for future outings), or risks ultimate humiliation as strangers stare, and judge because this sweet little child is literally becoming a part of the floor while screaming their little lungs out. Many parents are unprepared for this predicament when they anticipate the birth of a little one. None are quite ready for what happens if the child does not outgrow this behavior when society thinks that they should. Parents of children with differing needs may experience this type of behavior in toddlerhood, but then there are those who still face the threat of humiliation long after the child has turned 3, 4, 5, 6 years old and older. As this child that looks “way too old” to be having a tantrum experiences this, sometimes parents can begin to feel less likely that they can venture out into the public realm with their unpredictable child. What results are sad, and lonely mothers and fathers who don’t know where to turn without risking ridicule, humiliation, and defeat.
With this being the last week of November, I must remind you that this month is not only about Thanksgiving (where more embarrassment may occur in the overstimulated meltdown at family events), but it is also 22q deletion month (more more information read The Common Uncommon Disorder). In a post written on a 22q Support Group on Facebook, I was reminded about what some parents with children who have 22q, autism, sensory processing delays, and other special needs go through. Especially since the end of November also marks the beginning of the Christmas shopping rush. One mom in the group posted this as a reminder as how to practice showing kindness for others this time of year as it is impossible for us to know what it is that they are going through:
“My aunt posted a rant on Facebook regarding how some parents are failing at their parenting job based on how she sees kids behaving in parking lots and stores. She shared that she let one mom know what she thought of her parenting. After losing some sleep over it, this was my ‘response rant’-Thank you all so much for being a safe place for us all to not be judged…
‘I belong to an online support group for parents of kids with special needs. I have ‘met’ moms and dads who rarely leave their home because of the behavior struggles. Timeouts, spankings, loss of privileges-these things don’t always work with your neuro-atypical child. I have been working with children and their families for over 25 years, and I needed an in-home therapist to help me teach my youngest not to smack me in the face.
One of these special parents is often working two or more jobs while the other single parents because their child needs constant care and they are overwhelmed with medical bills.
Why am I telling you this? This holiday season we may see what looks like a major parenting fail as a child spins out of control in a parking lot or store. And maybe it is. And we will be tempted to judge the parent and/or the child. We may be sure that if that parent were as good at parenting as we were, the child wouldn’t behave that way. But just maybe some poor momma tried to brave this big world with her special kiddo. Perhaps she had not been out in weeks and just wanted a little holiday cheer. And it didn’t go well.
Unless we are living it, we don’t know. We don’t know the strength it took to step out of the house, and the defeat that momma feels as her child spirals out of control. No matter what you think you see, you don’t know. So let’s not judge. Let us be kind. Be kind with our eyes at least and with our words if we can. That momma has been through enough.’”
– Karla on Facebook
Thanks for sharing that insight with me Karla. Let us all be conscious of this during the Christmas season, and all year long.
I was in a store a few months ago, and saw a dad with his son who appeared to be about 9 or 10. The boy was making lots of noise and occasionally screaming, and people were staring at him. The dad made some general comment like, “Go ahead and stare if you’ve never seen someone with a disability in public before.” He sounded so irritated. I felt so badly for him. I went up to him and said, “My youngest brother has autism, so I understand what you go through every time you leave your house. I want you to know that you are doing a great job, and please never stop bringing your son out to experience the world. Keep it up!”
His whole demeanor changed. He kind of relaxed a little. He told me how much progress his son has made in the last year, and I told him how wonderful it was. Then I smiled and walked away.
Other times, I’ve seen typically developed toddlers having tantrums in public, and sometimes I’ve called past the parents and said, “Oh, I’ve been where you are! You’re doing great! It gets better little by little.” It may take more time to reassure than it does to judge, but we really should be encouraging each other on our individual journeys.
Thank you Gina for commenting, and sharing your experience. The power of words are so important. So many people think of saying something encouraging, but don’t. I am glad that you said something.